Well fuck

A soldier goes back to his base after a weekend leave and his friends ask him how it went.

He says “Guys, it was fucking great. So first I took the fucking bus into town and I go to this fucking bar. Had a couple of fucking hamburgers and a fucking beer. I see this fucking woman down the end of the bar, she’s fucking gorgeous, so I think, what the fuck, let’s try my luck. 

“I have the fucking bartender send her a fucking drink and fuck me if she doesn’t get up and come sit right the fuck next to me. So we have a couple of fucking drinks and get to fucking talking and I ask if she wants to go to the fucking movies. Then we’re in the back of the fucking theater playing fucking tongue hockey and afterwards she asks if I want to go back to her fucking apartment! 

“So I fucking well say yes and we’re sucking face in the back of the fucking cab and we get into her fucking apartment and we sit on the fucking sofa and in about ten fucking seconds we both have every fucking stitch of clothing off.”

“Yeah? Yeah? And then what happened?”

“What the fuck do you think happened, you fucking idiots? We had intimate relations.”

Parking Break

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.”

“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!”

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

“Well, dear, what exactly did he say?” asked the husband.

“He said the reflector is broken.” replied the Amish lady.

“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?” asked the husband.

The wife replied, “I’m not sure, Jacob . . . Something about the emergency brake.”